http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/29/us/should-you-intervene-when-a-parent-harshly-disciplines-a-child-in-public.html 2016-09-28 16:18:15 Should You Intervene When a Parent Harshly Disciplines a Child in Public? Photos of a man pushing a shopping cart with a girl’s hair wrapped around its handle set off a discussion about bystanders intervening in the parenting of others. === A woman in a Walmart in Texas last week who took photos of a man pushing a shopping cart with his daughter’s hair wrapped around its handle helped touch off a debate about when, or if, a bystander should intervene when a parent harshly disciplines a child in public. The woman, Erika Burch, was with her husband, Robert, in the store in Cleveland, Tex., about 45 miles north of Houston on Sept. 19 when they spotted the girl walking extremely close to the cart. Her head was leaning at an odd angle as the man dragged her alongside the cart by her hair, Ms. Burch said in an interview. Mr. Burch, 44, said the girl, who the police said was 5, was crying: “Please stop! I won’t do it again.” He added that she was “just begging the man to let her go.” Ms. Burch, 25, intervened. She said she spoke to the man three times to try to get him to stop, each time raising her voice. Ms. Burch said the man told her, “I grew up just fine,” and began cursing at her. She called 911, and a police officer who was in the store about a shoplifting case was there within minutes. On its “We do not condone the father’s actions in this incident, but we must gather all the facts and evidence,” he wrote, adding that the father let go of the girl’s hair “pretty quickly.” “There have been forensic interviews conducted with county child advocacy group, and digging into the past behavior and history of the family (none found),” the chief wrote. No charges have been filed, and the man was not identified by the police. The chief said that “many intervention plans” were in place and that the child was “doing great,” adding that the family has “a very strong mother.” Since Ms. Burch posted her story on But Mr. Burch said the circumstances demanded action. “This is what is wrong with America today,” he said. “Everybody’s too scared to get involved anymore.” So what should observers do in situations like this one? We asked the experts. • Dan Duffy, president and chief executive of • Do not wait for the situation to deteriorate before getting involved, said Darleen Simmons, a public health educator with “If you wait for something to get worse before doing anything, it definitely can get worse and then it becomes harder to connect and be of help,” she said. • Folusho Otuyelu The person intervening may feel alone but really is not, she said. • Chris Newlin “If someone is being abusive to a child in public, just imagine what happens behind closed doors,” he said in an email. • Dr. Jeffrey Gardere “You may feel guilty that you may be getting that parent in trouble, or that you may be making a mistake and misinterpreting the situation,” he said. “However, think about how inaction can lead to the injury, danger or death to the child. Now think about that guilt.” • Other experts cautioned that involving the authorities right away might cause the situation to escalate. The parent might be frustrated or having a bad day and not necessarily be abusive. “You do need to acknowledge the right of parents to discipline their child within limits,” If you believe a child is “truly being hurt or assaulted, you do need to step in and do something about it,” she said. In that case, be very firm with the parent, but if that person confronts you, alert a security guard or the police immediately. “You have to be safe yourself,” Dr. McDavid said. That is not an unfounded concern. In 2011, a mother on a Philadelphia bus who was Ms. Burch said the thought crossed her mind that the man in Walmart might have a gun. She said that she watched closely for any sudden movements, but that she would not relent. “He would have to shoot me right there,” she said. Mandated reporters, such as teachers or doctors, are required to report suspected child abuse, but ordinary citizens are free of that obligation, said “While some might argue there’s a moral or ethical responsibility, we do not as a society criminalize a failure to report a crime,” he said in an email. Some states have “good Samaritan laws” that protect those who intervene from civil claims if they acted in good faith. • Avoid being angry, stern or confrontational, Professor Otuyelu said. Be warm, friendly and concerned. Speak in an even and soft tone and ask politely if the person needs help. Gently but firmly point out that the child could get seriously hurt and that the person’s behavior needs to stop immediately. • Collect yourself before you talk and withhold judgment, Ms. Simmons said. “It really starts with no one as a parent wants to be told we’re doing something wrong or we’re a bad parent,” she said. “That’s a recipe for something to blow up in your face.” • Professor Otuyelu suggested: “Hello, I don’t mean to get into your business or tell you how to parent, but I noticed that” and fill in the sentence with what you observed. • Mr. Baker recommended: “I remember when my children were that age. They can be a handful. Do you need any help?” • Dr. McDavid recalled a shrieking child and a screaming mother waiting to check out at a grocery store: “I said to them ‘Hey, are you O.K.?’ I said to the child, ‘Can you stand there quietly while we wait in line?’ They both calmed right down.” • Ms. Simmons said sometimes you have to act in the moment. She recalled an airplane passenger seated near a child who was crying and acting out. The passenger made a hand puppet out of an airsickness bag to distract the child and it worked, she said. “If you bring a genuine care and desire out of love and respect, people will get that,” she said.