http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/18/arts/television/the-first-time-ellie-kemper-bombed-on-late-night-tv.html 2016-09-15 11:50:18 The First Time ... Ellie Kemper Bombed on Late Night TV Ms. Kemper, of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” writes of the rigor of talk-show prep, especially when appearing with her hero, David Letterman. === In 2009, a dream of mine came true when I joined the cast of NBC’s “The Office Let me explain. Since high school, I have — and I need to say this carefully, because I am now married — deeply Soon, I developed a habit of judging celebrities based wholly on their interactions with Dave. If he liked them, I became a fan. If he seemed unimpressed, I wrote them off. The worst crime, I learned, was being boring, and I shuddered on behalf of the young, chatterbox starlets whose stories went nowhere. With dread, I realized the same bar that I had set for celebrities on “Late Show With David Letterman” would now apply to me. What if My first major appearance was as the second guest on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” in May 2010. While I was relieved that I didn’t have to face the king of my childhood kitchen just yet, I was still a nauseous wreck. In preparation for this essay, I forced myself to find a tape of the episode, and watching it was like watching my own funeral. Actually, watching my own funeral would have been nicer, because I intend it to be a spirited celebration of my life — not a series of dry stories told in a poorly chosen dress that revealed more pale thigh than America should ever have to see. Jay asks me to tell him about myself. I report that I grew up in St. Louis, that I am the only one of my siblings with red hair, and that, speaking of siblings, I have three of them. Pausing, I smile slightly and add, “Or, I In fact, my two brothers and one sister are alive and thriving. What I meant was that we all “used” to live in St. Louis, and, therefore, I “used” to have three siblings there. But I do not say any of this. Instead, I leave the audience only to guess at the horrors this pale, redheaded woman has seen. The saving grace of the interview is It I received a flood of congratulatory emails after that awkward appearance. Family, friends and co-workers all maintained that I had been very cheerful. A college friend complimented my posture. This is how people who love you let you know that something has not gone well. And yet, I now see this failure as a necessity. If I hadn’t had the opportunity to sink the S.S. Leno that night, I never would have realized the amount of work that should go into making an entertaining talk show segment. Next time, I vowed to be better prepared. Though I made several more talk-show appearances over the coming months, when I was invited on “Letterman” in 2012, I was beside myself. I decided that I would feel more confident if I had something to show the audience, rather than rely on my stories, so I asked the segment producer if we could screen a home movie: a “horror film” titled “The Man Under the Stairs” that I had made two decades earlier with Carrie and our neighbor Katie Purcell. It made the cut, and the appearance was … fine. Not a disaster. Which in my book was unthinkably wonderful, because it garnered me the greatest prize I could have hoped for: two invitations to come back. By my third time, in February 2015, Letterman had announced his This idea rested in the pages of an old Hammacher Schlemmer But we weren’t exactly sure what the point of the toaster would be. Should I tie it into his retirement? A “toast” to Dave? Now unemployed, he’ll have more time for breakfast? Or was this a terrible idea? Was putting David Letterman’s face on a piece of toast too creepy? Seized by an uncharacteristic decisiveness, I committed to move forward with the toaster. Ellyn from After a few minutes of my famous B-plus banter with Dave, he said he understood that I had brought a gift. He plopped the toaster on his desk, and I inserted two slices of potato bread. As Paul played some light piano accompaniment, Dave and I Miraculously, when the toast popped out, you could make out Dave’s and Paul’s I know it wasn’t Christ’s face on a piece of linen cloth, but it